Buried alive.

I feel like if I blog about something, then my decisions are "public". And if I know people know about the little thoughts that go on in my head, I may be more committed to them. At least I can hope so.

But, I'm just going to put out there the horrible truth. Since May, I have gained about 22 lbs. I'm not one to worry about the scale much with all of my exercising and whatnot, but something has got to give. I don't overeat, but my eating is sporadic. Outside of my medical stuffs that I am figuring out (something with adrenal glands and DHEAS hormone and/or PCOS), I've got to face the facts: my body is selfish. It loves to hoard the fat. I should make it go on that show on TLC about the hoarders - Buried Alive.

That is my body. But with food. It doesn't know how to throw it out well. So I'm going to teach it.

I'll never be able to erase that memory of seeing actual fat tissue when someone's cut open in surgery. I got to watch a few in nursing school...that's enough to make a person run away from food. 

Not that I'm running away from food. Food is good. I love it just as much and probably more than the next person.  But I love a good challenge. Add the word "challenge" onto anything and I will probably do it just to prove myself. It's like when I was little, my brothers and sisters would ask me to get something, and tell me they would time me to see how fast I could. A challenge? Yes! I think so. Maybe that's why I stayed skinny when I was little. Forget the challenge....I'll just sprint to get everything I need. Haha.

I guess I'm a firm believer that medicine can only go so far. And for a majority of health care problems, prevention is key. So if I want to have high blood pressure in 5 years, go ahead and eat those chicken nuggets, Shelly. Kidding. But I am starting the Body for Life challenge on Monday for 12 weeks. Totally committed, eating 6 times a day, one free day a week, exercising 6 days a week, committed. I've found some ladies starting on the same day and am so excited to hear about their journeys.

If you've  never heard of Body for Life, it's not some crazy point-counting thing that confuses me just thinking about it. Eat 6 times a day, small meals, pair a protein with a carb and add in veggies twice a day. I love it. I think it should be called the normal, healthy, what-everyone-should-be-doing plan. But I'm a little biased. Enough ranting. But at the end of this, I'm pretty sure those undies are going to be looking a little better on me.

Waaay overdue for a post. So I made cupcakes for you.

Well, kind of. I took pictures of them. I made a hot cocoa cake (sounds fancy, right?) with a blueberry cream cheese filling, with a butter/cream cheese frosting topped with fresh blueberries. I love these, they have a little bit of everything. Not too heavy chocolate, some creamy fruit, and a great vanilla frosting. 

First, I made the blueberry filling. I took 6 oz. fresh berries, covered them with sugar, and let heat do the work:

Then, I added a couple tablespoons of cornstarch with a tablespoon of water, and let it bubble with the mix. You can mash the berries as they are cooking to let the juices out. You do not need to add any other water.

 It turned into a funny blob of blueberries. Then I mixed in 4 oz. of cream cheese to it to make a filling.

Ahh, then these beauties. You can use any chocolate cake mixture. I was out of cocoa, so what did I use? Hot chocolate. And cut down on the sugar. Recipe's at the bottom for these beauties.

Then using whatever cupcake-filler tool you have, put the filling in the cake. I couldn't find mine, so i simply cut a hole out with a knife, filled it, and put the cake top back on after I cut off excess cake.

Top with some yummy homemade cream cheese and butter frosting...

Put them in a cute box, add some blueberries, and voila! Everyone now thinks you bought these fancy-shmancy cupcakes somewere. Nope. Made right here in my 5x5 kitchen. At least it feels that small.

Hot Cocoa Cupcakes:

1/4 c ghirardelli double chocolate hot cocoa mix

3 T hot water

1 c + 2 T unbleached all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking sodea

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature

3/4 cup granulated sugar

2 large eggs

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp princess cake and cookie emulsion (available at most TJ Maxx, Ross, Orson Gygi, or any specialty cooking store) 

2/3 c buttermilk (any fat content)

*Preheat oven to 325*

1. In a small bowl, combine hot cocoa and water. This will bring out the chocolate flavor and it should look like a syrup.

2. Combine dry ingredients, set aside.

3. Beat the butter and sugar about 1 minute or until light and fluffy. Add the eggs and beat in individually. Mix in the vanilla and emulsion (If you have it. it's not critical.)

4.Mix in the cocoa, then add half of the flour mixture. Add the remaining buttermilk and flour, adding each individually.

I baked these at 325* since my oven is circa 1968. It took a bit longer that way, about 20 minutes, but it helped the bottoms not to burn. Just bake 12 minutes and watch carefully. If you touch the top and it lightly springs back, you're good. If it collapses, you'll prrrrrrobably need more time.

P.S. I bake in my underwear sometimes so it's a completely appropriate post.

i live in the prettiest. place. ever.

Okay, close to it. I made it. I made it I made it I made it. And in the end all of the money the stupid move cost will be worth it...right? That's what I keep telling myself. And it's probably not nice to call my move stupid since it's what got me to this wonderful place. Whoops.

I wear underwear here...just like I did in the SLC. It's not really any different. I need to get some new ones. The only thing that's different is it's kind of double duty...it's more humid here. We'll leave it at that. Cotton = sweat absorbency. I'm not talking sweaty guy at the gym with the ring of wetness from his back to his knees, I just get "misty" with all the humidity. TMI? Sorry.

So I've had a week off to move, settle in, and attempt to host visitors in my not-so-put-together apartment.  My sweet friend Jenna drove down with me, hauling a 5x8' trailer on the back of my Pontiac Grand Prix. Definitely not intended for towing, but we did it. Bless her little heart. And after two days of driving no more than 60 mph, turning off the air conditioning while going up hills to prevent overheating the car, in-n-out, and getting cut off by other cars every two minutes, we made it. Put all the boxes in the apartment and went to play at the beach.

Then 2 days later my sweet parents came to help settle me in. We went to La Jolla cove, shopped for tables, and spent some time at Pacific Beach...about 5 blocks from my house. Oh and saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Don't forget that. Here's some sunny cove shots...

My hair's cuter not wind-blown. I need a hat in beach pictures. I need to get some cute hats...

Momcat and the Daddo

Pacific Beach sunset. Seriously? Yeah, I live here. It's not quite settled in my head yet, but I'm sure it will be. This week: back to being nurse Shelly, and the Rosey Revenger in derby. And getting outdoor wheels so I can skate by the scenery. :)

wrinkles

I love getting older.

Yeah, I just said that. I realized this morning that I've either been completely naiive my entire life, or just that I have an innate, undying sense of possibility.

I think I'll choose possibility.

Call it my rose-colored glasses of believing. It's funny how you get to know yourself as you get older. Yeah, I have an emotional relationship with myself. What's wrong with that? Not in like the multiple personality way. Just me getting to know me. And my tendencies. Habits. Likes/dislikes.

So bring on the freckles and little wrinkles to the sides of my eyes I get from laughing. I'm so ready for you.  

92109

Yup, that's my new zip code in t-9 days. Saaaaan Diego. And yes, the above picture is the print on the underwear for moving day. I'm moving July 31, and things might actually be coming together:

1. The job: Yes, I have one. I'll be working at the Mid-City urgent care clinic for Rady Children's hospital. Now I just need to make sure on August 1st I get that nursing license squared away! Never thought getting a nursing license in another state would be such a series of hoops to jump through. My advice...pick a compact state.

2. The place: Yes, I have that as well! I'm going to be living in a teeny studio at crown point, a little residential area below Pacific Beach.

Which will be about 2 blocks, 5 minute walk, 2 minute bike, whatever you choose, to this:

Sail Bay. With a paved trail that wraps around the whole bay and connects down to Ocean Beach, and up north to Pacific Beach. Kill me now. Actually don't, because I really need some time to take this all in and actually use my beach cruiser.

Seriously, it's amazing how everything falls into place when it's supposed to. I hadn't even planned on living in this area, until I drove by the only afternoon I had to look at houses and came across the lovely little place.

I love answering questions about moving. Do you know anyone down there? No. Why are you moving? Because I can. I get some weird satisfaction about having all of the reasons and yet none of the reasons to move. My true honest-to-goodness answer is pretty simple - I need a change. I think anyone that knows me well enough would agree.

With moving across states always comes so much stress, but as things start to come together I realize I wouldn't change it for anything. New experiences = life, and I need to learn to deal with all of them. Even the experiences like having my car wig out the week before I move, or flooding the basement with the washing machine. Pretty sure those are all things teaching me to roll with the punches a little more. My next update will probably be from sunny San Diego :)

There's really no underwear for this one.

I know my blog is about underwear. Or the things that happen to me while I'm wearing said underwear. No, it is not suggestive. I do not wear said underwear in front of a mirror making kissy faces and seductively posing. Sorry, kids. It's just not happening.

Anyhew, all kidding aside, it's Father's Day. I woke up this morning, entirely grateful that I have a Dad to call. Who I know is there. Who I know will listen. Yes, we have our differences. But that's because he raised a daughter with an entirely too alert and stubborn mind. At the end of the day, I'm so blessed to say I have a Dad that is there - that truly cares about me, and just wants me to have the best in life.

I know I'll understand things a little more one day when I have a child of my own. And heaven help me when that does happen. I can only imagine the stubborn-ness multiplying with each generation I pass my genes on to. But today I can't help but be overwhelmed with memories of all the times my Dad was there, and will be there for all the best moments of my life.

Happy Father's Day :)

i'm on vacation, suckas.

Well, I was. For a week. In Maui...seriously gorgeous. I didn't think I could ever be in love with a piece of land, but it's true. True love. Clear, turquoise water, precious little sea turtles, perfect weather, mocha men with tattoos....seriously Shelly heaven.

I went with my bestie Lindsey (who lives in Dallas), and Lisa and Kate - nurses I work with. Funnest. Girls. Ever. We made time to relax on the beach every day and work on our tans...or my "peachiness" in my case. When we weren't laying out we rode bikes down Haleakala - huge dormant volcano, rode scooters around Lahaina, snorkeled in Molokini crater, attempted to paddle surf, and finished out the week with a fantastic surf lesson and luau. I was seriously physically ill when I had to come back to reality. Only because I was totally crushing on this little island called Maui.

Some of the stories that happened will not ever be disclosed outside the "circle of trust", a.k.a. the girls, but suffice it to say there are some things I will definitely remember the rest of my life.

Going on vacay made me a bit reflective. Maybe it's because I finally had time to wind down and look back at the past 5 months of my life? My life is now a total of 24 years, but there's definitely a landmark at the 'five months ago'. If you know me well enough, you will know what that landmark is. I hate that it's a landmark. I hate that it happened. But on the opposite spectrum, I am totally grateful. Grateful for an experience so big, bigger than I ever could have even imagined would happen in my little world, it's made me re-evaluate everything I thought I knew.

While I was a little sentimental one morning, watching the Maui sunrise, I texted the ex. Why, why, why? I asked myself the same thing. I told him I hoped he is getting help. And reminded him of places to turn for help. Probably useless. But I felt like I needed to say it. Our conversation previous to this one ended not-so-peacefully, so I guess I was looking to fix that. And according to the Chinese zodiac, I am a rabbit. I seek for peace in my life. So I have to go with what the Chinese zodiac says......right?

Sometimes I feel guilty, and ask myself if I should have done more. If I should have done more to help the person I had planned on spending the rest of my life with. Mostly because in the same situation, I would hope someone would show me a little mercy. I know I have my own problems and vices, and what makes them different from his? What makes a problem so big it affects a relationship with someone else? Just curious if anyone has any thoughts.

I've always had this theory, well, since the 'landmark', that there are two factors to a person's issues. One, if they are honest about it. Two, how much it affects other people. The ex, sadly, totally dominated both of those factors...not honest, and let it harm quite a few other people. This all could be justification. Or just some deep thinking here.

But to wrap it all up, by texting the ex, and giving some well-wishes, I took a vacation for myself. A vacation from hurt, from anger, from sadness, from frustration with him and myself. By forgiving others we forgive ourselves.

I love Maui.

P.S. Pictures to come soon!